Great Fictional Villains, As Confirmed To Cabinet Positions By Senate Republicans
Congratulations to Surgeon General Hannibal Lecter!
As the media glare has intensified on Trump’s nominee-to-be for Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth, more and more ugly examples of his past behavior have been reported out. For example, on Wednesday night the Washington Post served up the following anecdote about Hegseth’s drinking:
Several years ago, during a St. Patrick’s Day segment on “Fox & Friends Weekend,” support staff at the cable news network set up a display of beers for a holiday segment on the show. After the segment aired, Hegseth walked by the display table and drank each beer, according to two former colleagues who witnessed the incident and spoke on the condition of anonymity to discuss a sensitive episode. The incident struck the colleagues as jarring for two reasons: One, the displayed drinks had been sitting out for hours and were stale and warm; two, the show wraps up at 10 a.m., an early hour for alcohol consumption.
As these stories trickled out, Hegseth fought back by writing a Wall Street Journal op-ed, appearing on a Megyn Kelly podcast, sending his mother onto Fox News, and touring Senator offices. He’s also pledging not to drink any alcohol if he’s confirmed, which seems like the kind of last-ditch plea a man with a serious drinking problem would say.
Now it should be stressed that beyond Hegseth’s issues with alcohol and misogyny, there is the question of whether he can manage an organization as massive as the Pentagon. The WaPo story gets into this though quoting former SecDef Leon Panetta: “Panetta, who had served as a member of Congress, White House chief of staff, budget director and CIA director before heading the Pentagon, said the questions about Hegseth’s alcohol use are compounded by concerns that he has never run an organization remotely as large and complex as the Defense Department, overseeing 2 million members of the uniformed armed forces and 1 million civilians.” But the alcohol abuse and reports of sexual assault and harassment are definitely more eye-catching to the media.
When GOP Senator Joni Ernst stated that she’s not a “yes” and anonymously-sourced stories said that Hegseth is going down in the Senate and other anonymously sourced stories claimed that Trump was already contemplating replacements, it seemed on Thursday like Hegseth’s nomination was hanging by a thread. ]
On Friday, however, Trump issued a full-throated defense of Hegseth, liking his willingness to fight. Furthermore, according to the Associated Press, Heritage Foundation president Kevin Roberts says his organization “will spend $1 million to pressure senators unwilling to back Pete Hegseth.” That seems like a super-weird allocation of think tank funds but what do I know.
My point is that the hard-working staff here at Drezner’s World believes the conventional wisdom is underestimating the enormous capacity of Senate Republicans to forgive and forget the sins of their co-partisans. Remember, there was a moment when it seemed like Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh was not going to make it through the Senate. After proclaiming his love of beer, however, Republicans voted to confirm him.
Even as Hegseth struggled over the past two weeks, some Senate Republicans have continued to find ways to rationalize casting a vote for him. Consider:
Tommy Tuberville: On Fox Business, Tuberville said, “a lot of this stuff was years ago” and that Hegseth had “done everything he possibly can do to get it out there to talk to people.” He added, “when we get to the hearings… it’s gonna be about the military. It’s not gonna be about his past.” He subsequently told CNN’s Manu Raju that, it's "not our job" to vet Trump’s nominees: "Who are we to say that we're a better picker of people than Donald Trump?" He explained that “[Democrats] should do all the background work.”
Kevin Cramer: On Wednesday, Cramer told reporters that he has “no reason to not be supportive” of Hegseth. He added, “I’m likely to get to a ‘yes’ vote I’d say, yeah. I see no reason to not be a ‘yes’ vote. Again, it’s not time to vote, but yeah, I look forward to being as supportive as I can of him … barring surprises.” Cramer was particularly impressed by Hegseth’s pledge not to drink, saying, “He made that commitment, and I wanted to hear that commitment. I was very satisfied with that, quite honestly…. I gave him the benefit of the doubt.”1 Cramer also said, “We all love a good redemption story."
Markwayne Mullin: Last week, after a police report recounting a 2017 sexual assault claim against Hegseth, Mullin said on CNN that, “He wasn’t charged. He wasn’t even kind of charged. In this, there was no crime committed. The police dropped everything there…. What’s unfortunate, in today’s world, you can be accused of anything, and then… especially if it’s something like this, you’re automatically assumed to be guilty.”
It’s wild to remember that during the Obama administration Republicans refused to confirm an economist for the Federal Reserve Board who had, coincidentally, won the Nobel Prize in Economics. But if a Republican vows not to take another drink contingent on Senate confirmation, then he’s apparently eminently qualified to run the largest bureaucracy in the world.
These extremely forgiving attitudes towards Hegseth make me wonder how Republican senators would handle fictitious nominees that Trump would put forward.2
Secretary of Homeland Security nominee Thanos
Tuberville, “Thanos was right about the flood of undocumented immigrants poring over our Southern border. Unless the Democrats dig up some real dirt I’m a yes.”
Mullin: “Thanos was never charged with a crime. It’s unfortunate, in today’s world, how anyone can be accused of genocide.”
NASA Administrator Sheev Palpatine
Cramer: “We all love a good redemption story. If somehow, Palpatine returned to the good graces of Trump, who are we, the Senate, to exercise our Article I responsibilities?”
Mullin: “Palpatine’s status as a former senator will buy him a lot of goodwill during the confirmation process.”
Tuberville: “Unless the Democrats can prove Palpatine had a role in Mace Windu’s death, I’m going to be a ‘yes.’”
Department of Magical Efficiency Secretary Voldemort
Tuberville: “Thank goodness we will finally have a leg up in the magical arms race! When we get to the hearings, it’s gonna be all about the magic.”
Mullin: “People will automatically assume he’s guilty of something. That’s the price you pay when you’re a conservative in public life these days.”
Cramer: “I’m likely gonna get to ‘yes,’ particularly if he can help me with my Patronus charm.”
Surgeon General nominee Hannibal Lecter
Tuberville: “The man has impeccable medical credentials and has published widely. I look forward to hearing his views about a proper diet.”
Cramer: “I was very persuaded by Lecter’s pledge that he wouldn’t eat any more people if confirmed. That’s the kind of pledge I take very seriously.”
Mullin: “My only hesitation was that I thought President Trump had said he had died. If he’s alive and has a pulse, that’s good enough for me!”
Cramer wasn’t the only GOP senator to say that Hegseth’s pledge made them feel better.
The hard-working staff here at Drezner’s World willingly stipulates that Alexandra Petri would do this so much better.
I think the one salient thing about the absurd cast of characters that are most Trump appointees is that it is his final revenge, a middle finger to the institutions, burn it down. Think Caligula 2.0.
American Leadership Review had earlier suggested Hannibal Lecter might be an appropriate pick for U.S. Attorney General, after former Representative Matt Gaetz's nomination ran into serious trouble. With a background in forensic psychiatry, Lecter has a proven track record in the U.S. criminal justice system. In Washington, he could apply his unique skill at chopping off heads. If a real person can be nominated to lead a fake agency (i.e., D.O.G.E.), why can't a fictitious person be nominated to lead a real agency? It would be a major step toward creating a crypto-government.